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(no subject) [Dec. 17th, 2013|01:07 am]
I haven't even finished reading this entire letter and I know that this is the other response to my last post. This is exactly what I have to do before I live a life I will later regret. Where do I start? What about my responsibilities? These questions are the roots of my fears - these questions are what stand between me and my future happiness. What do I do? Where do I go from here? Fuck.

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(no subject) [Dec. 16th, 2013|11:40 pm]
Whyyyy am I so restless? My mind, not me. I keep trying to find an outlet. Music, doodling, baking, zoning to tv, nothing is working. I started writing a letter to someone I owe a letter to, and my brain just went off on a tangent. I am so so so focused on personal growth but I don't know where to start.

Every time I look at writing on the internet, for some reason it all links back to rape or feminism or both. What? Clearly I'm lurking in an odd alley of the internet! Don't get me wrong, those are of interest to me, and my career is being built on them, but when I'm home lounging and surfing the world wide web, that's the last thing I expect to land on in my random clickings. It always leaves me feeling daunted (is that a word? the feeling of something daunting? idk, it is now). I fall so quickly into the same spiral when that hits me in my personal life. At work, rape equals work. I can put it into a box, give it a title, make it a problem to solve. At home, when it hits me, it's different. It's personal. It's mine. No box is the right shape. It's constantly contorting, and then what? Then comes the other thoughts. The old family, my past, depression, death, all kinds of things. I'm not suicidal, I just mean I think of those who have died, all those I lost, especially while I was still in high school and super sensitive to all my feelings. Blargh. I don't know what I'm getting at.

Back to personal growth. I feel like I'm on the right path, or at least parallel to it. I'm in the right business, but am I in the right place? I used to justify being here because the location served me. I dont know if it's still serving me. It would be a personal affront to my boss to leave now. She's invested so much time in me and put so much stock in my future in our organization, but I just don't know if it's working for me. I need to do more. I am craving more. I know I can't change the world, but I'm afraid my fire will burn out if it's not stoked for much longer. I don't want it to go wafting into the air as blue grey smoke, I want it to smolder and burn and make shit happen.

I think I'm suddenly in new realm, a realm of people I used to despise when I couldn't fit in that realm. It's a dirty word. I might be in the realm of white middle class. *shudders* I don't want that "privilege." Karma may say I deserve it, but I say screw that. Here I am questioning the future of my soul, and I feel wrong about doing it. It's almost like one of those "first world" problems memes I see floating around the internet. There are people struggling for food, clothes, shelter, heat (me too on that front haha), and here I am questioning if I should leave my job because it's not using my full potential. Who am I to want for more, when so many people want for what I have? And yet, I can't be satisfied somehow.
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(no subject) [Nov. 6th, 2013|02:25 pm]

Rule #3 is the answer to all my problems. "You’re only as bad-ass as you allow yourself to be. Stop waiting for permission."

It's like that quote: Who am I to be great, beautiful, perfect, etc etc blah...Who are you to NOT? I just gotta get out there and do me. Everything I read says have more confidence, people aren't thinking about you as much as you think they are. They're thinking about themselves. So don't worry, have no fears, screw permission, and just be you. The only limitations you have are the ones you put on yourself....and money. Money is always a cock block. :) Ah well.

I'm really enjoying this little journal of mine lately. I know I've had multiple posts in a day, but who's it going to bother? No one is reading this, and I'm going to enjoy myself dammit. This is who I am, what I think, and these are my faults. Take it or leave it. Bam.
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(no subject) [Nov. 6th, 2013|01:24 pm]

This. This this this. Everything I've ever thought, felt, wanted, needed, desired from a relationship. Found. THIS is why I am the way I am. And it's justified!!!! There are others out there like me. Those who refuse to settle. Those who ache for more. Those who can identify exactly the problem. Now if only I can overcome my weakness of being "too nice" I can actually find happiness by demanding these things, or simply moving on. One day.
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"Fitting In" to Life [Nov. 6th, 2013|12:32 am]
Do you ever feel like you're avidly trying to be yourself, and in this struggle to find yourself, you constantly try to avoid what's "hip" or "mainstream" because you don't want to be labeled that way? And yet sometimes, that is who you are and how you feel, but you don't express it because of all the unwanted labels that come with it. Maybe I'm overthinking this.

But I feel that all the time. Moreover, I feel like my personality has sooo many unrealized dimensions. I'm sure that's true of all people, but I don't know how to express all of me, ever. At this point, I have my friends in Vermont who know one piece of me. Mostly the do-gooder, self-motivated, happy go lucky type. Sometimes they see my rage face or my drunken hot mess, but mostly they get sunshine and rainbows. And then there's the sub-genre-my gay life. I have certain friends that I can and can't be my whole lesbo self with. And that's cool. There's times when I can be all rainbows and lesbo and dykes galore, and not feel bad. But even in that genre, I have unexpressed parts of me. On any given day, I'd probably be labeled something along the lines of "soft femme." However, I don't feel that way. On the inside, I feel like I want to portray some kind of hard core punk rocker butch type self. The me that is super confident, super suave, and super butch. God I feel so silly writing this out, but meh, it's real and it's me. The problem arises when my worlds collide though. If my everyday self looks like a damn kindergarten teacher, how do I then translate the other parts of my personality that don't match up? The parts of me that want more tattoos, that want to ride a motorcycle and play rugby and roller derby. The parts of me that haven't rolled over and died and fallen into "my path."

I doubt I'll ever be completely happy or satisfied if I leave all these reserves of me untapped. But aside from creating an alter ego in another city, I don't know how to be all of me all the time. I know at some point people have to compartmentalize their lives, don't mix business and pleasure, that kind of thing, so I'm not expecting to ever go to work in a leather vest and a flat brim, but I'm in a battle with myself to try to discover how to be me. Anyone else feeling the struggle? Or am I an odd duck who just needs to chill the fuck out? :)
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re-do [Aug. 1st, 2013|03:47 am]
I feel like I need to do a re-do of my last post. It's not fair how I'm representing my life, so I'm going to make a whole extra post about the good stuff, because it's really important to take heed of all the good we have in our lives.

I have a new car! Hell since my last post, I got my license, bought a car outright, drove it for a year, traded it in for almost exactly what I paid for it (minus my repair bills ugh), and got a new car with a wicked easy payment! It's a 5 year loan, but I'm confident I can pay it in 2ish years, and hopefully boost my credit. That would be really beneficial because my credit is really in the shitter with unpaid student loan bills. It's foolish I know, but I have 3 seperate loan bills and I can't afford them all so I'm taking the hide-under-a-rock approach until I deal with consolidation and stuff. But anyway, back to the good stuff!

My sister had twins, who are now over a year old. Their names are Timmy and Emma. I'm Timmy's godparent, but not Emma's, which I guess isn't weird, only because I don't really know my role as godparent, so whatevs. They're absolutely adorable sweethearts, and my sister lucked out because neither one is really fussy and they've never really cried excessively, and they're just good kids. I know I'm biased, but even still, they're good babies. :) Timmy is up and walking, but Emma is taking her sweet time as usual. She's very much a diva, and has the same stubborn attitude all the females in my family do.

I've been trying to visit home once a month, now that I drive, but it's really hard. I always feel guilty, because I want to make time for my friends there, but my family tries to take over my time the whole time I'm there, which is understandable, but hard to deal with.

I know I mentioned this as a good thing in my other post, but I wanted to remind myself, I do love my job. It has its downsides, but overall, I'm super excited to delve even deeper into this world. I work with women, and sometimes men, who have been through some form of sexual assault, and I am able to help get their lives back in order with legal help, and being able to provide shelter if needed. It's extremely rewarding, and right up my alley, workwise.

I don't say it nearly enough, but I really am crazy in love with Jackie. She has her flaws about her - I wish she was more mature, more independent, and more social - but overall, I've never been more comfortable with someone romantically. I can talk to her about anything and be any kind of way with her without being worried about her judging me. I know that in her eyes I can do no wrong, and I know that I won't find that with anybody else. She really turned a new leaf after our big break up. There were times we didn't speak for weeks, we dated other people, and it made all the difference in our relationship now. When you see what else is out there, you really appreciate what you have. Granted, there are still some things about me I've never told her, but I don't necessarily think that's a bad thing. We have all kinds of big plans for the future, and if those happen even remotely how we hope they will, I will live an extremely happy life.

Even socially, life is pretty good. I've always been a social person, and I was worried about staying in Vermont when all my friends graduated. It turned out though that plenty of people I know stayed around, and I never took into account all the people I became friends with who were actually from here. So I have about one day off a week, and I never find myself sitting around lonely, that's for sure. I do wish there were more hours in the day so I could find more "me time" in my life to do the things that I want to do for myself, but you can't have everything.

I have some goals I want to record. First and foremost, I'd like to get my finances in some kind of order, so I can start taking responsibility of my loans. I'm just never good at taking on paperwork (which is why it took me four years before I ever got insurance up here, for example), but I know it needs to be done sooner rather than later. Also, I really want to get into better shape. Realistically, I feel like working 2 jobs (from 9 am to 9 pm most days) makes that impossible, but I have to start finding some ways to incorporate a work out plan into my life. It will be so much easier once I'm done at the pizza place and only working the shelter, because then I'll have all evening to do it, but I have to start somewhere. I'm motivated for myself, and for my own health and enjoyment, so my only real hindrance is time. Maybe if I stopped staying up til 4 am, I could wake up early, and do some form of workout before I get ready for work. If I write it down, maybe I'll feel more committed to this.

Alsoooo, I saw a roller derby match the other day! Loved it!!! The home team really sucked, but that's ok. It's easier to join a shitty team than a good team, especially if you have no real experience right? Haha. I have just enough balance on 2 feet, without roller blades under them, but I'd like to try I think. :D We'll see. I recently got saturdays off of work for a few weeks, and that happens to be when open skate for roller derby is, maybe I'll drop in some time. Who know. :)
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reminiscent [Aug. 1st, 2013|01:33 am]
God, I don't know what it is about late nights. My mind just slips backwards a few years, and I end up thinking about life, and what I was doing when. Tonight, it's slipped all the way back to high school, and when I used to be on LJ 12 times a day. Now, it's been years since my last post, and I don't think anyone I knew on here even uses this anymore either. If you're out there, let me know - I'd love to reconnect on here. :)

Regardless of who's out there, my little journal here needs some use. It's 1 in the morning, and my brain has gone haywire again. First, a quick life update. I've been a college graduate for just over a year now. I'm working about 30 hours a week at the same pizza place I've been working at for at least the last 4 years. That will be closing soon, though, and I have a better job already! :) The rape crisis center I've been volunteering at for 4 years offered me a job! It won't be full time for another few months but that's fine. It will happen eventually. For now, I work about 20 hours there, and am in the process of training 4 volunteers. They put a lot of responsibility on me, but I guess it's okay, because I have been volunteering there for so long. There's a lot of new stuff though, and I worry sometimes that I'm not doing it all as well as I should, but I'm doing my best with the training I've received and hopefully it just stays smooth sailing. We have people from DC coming to visit in about 2 weeks, and my boss is asking me if we're going to be ready for those kinds of visitors. To be honest, I'm ready to shit my pants I'm so nervous, but I just put on a confident face, take a deep breath, and tell her I think we'll be fine. Fingers crossed. I do love my job though. I'm so fortunate to have a job doing what I love right out of college. Victims' advocate isn't my end career goal, but it's definitely in the right field. At some point in my life, I want to be a case worker for social services, checking on the welfare of children. But that day will come.

In the meantime, I'm nervous about where my life is. I'm worried that by already landing a job, I've given up my opportunity for all my other life dreams. I want to see the world more. I want to join the PeaceCorps. I want to live with nothing but a backpack all over the world. I want to change the world, and I can't do that until the world has changed me. I know it's a silly dream, but it's my dream. I'm afraid I'll never do that now that I've entered the "real world." We'll see. Besides the job hindrance, there's the relationship hindrance. I didn't leave Vermont after graduation because I was afraid to lose what I had, even though I wasn't completely certain of which relationships I was more afraid of losing. I sacrificed grad school 20 mins away from Lowell, in a program that would've made me qualified for any of my dream jobs (MSW), all because I was afraid to let go. I didn't have that fear when I left Mass for Vermont, so I wonder why I had that fear when the opposite opportunity came up.

On the same note, there's Jackie. I can see myself spending the rest of my life with her, but I could also see living my life completely happy without her in it. I feel like that's a bad thing. I do love her, but there are so many reservations I have about her, and about our relationship. She still lives in Connecticut with her parents. Our plan for years was that she would stay in Vermont after graduation, and we would start our lives together. But our big break up happened a while before graduation, and while things had improved by then, it wasn't at the right point that we'd continue living together. She also added that she couldn't find a job in Vermont, but it's taken her until about a month ago to find a job in Connecticut, so I don't know about that argument. But anyway. I enjoy the situation as it is now- we see each other about once a month for 2-3 days, and we wholly enjoy each other's company. We're focused on each other, and the days are filled with romance, love, and fun. It's great. And then the rest of the time, we're free to do our own thing, have our own social lives, and keep daily phone communication. It's really the perfect situation, and I don't know what will happen once we're both in the same state, under the same roof. Closeness is usually our downfall, because the little things build up into big things that start fights and frustrations. But honestly, there's no reason to worry about that now, because it's literally going to be years until we're finally together again. One of us has to be willing to leave the job we just got, and that won't do anyone any benefit unless we stay there awhile. Blah.

That's life, but that's not all that's on my mind tonight. This is some of the stuff that is though: While I've been training volunteers at the shelter, there's one volunteer that strikes a chord with me and I don't know what to do about it. She reminds me of myself a few years ago, and at that time I was held back from being very active on the hotline or as an advocate. She told us that she experienced abuse, and it hasn't been that long, so I'm not sure if she's in the right space emotionally and mentally to work for us, but I don't feel right making that decision because everyone's different. With all the abuse I survived, I feel like it's only made me a stronger, more compassionate person, so maybe I should give her a chance now. But beyond that, it scares me the way I see myself in her. It just brings me back to when I was living through all that, and it really makes me wonder how no one ever asked if I was okay, or what was going on, or even just confronted me and asked me straight out. It's almost disappointing. I feel like a completely different person now, and it's a little sad to me, because it makes me wonder how my life would be now if any of that had happened. If an adult reached out to that 4 year old me, 9 year old me, 12 year old me, 14 year old me, or even 17 year old me, where would my life be now? Or anyone's in my former family? But the what if's never get answered, and you live the life you've got, so I can't linger on that. I just let it enter my mind in the later hours of the night, and then let it go. It's the only way to survive at some point.

This post is just jumping all over the place, just like my mind. Oh well. The other thing that never leaves my brain is my dad. His funeral was literally traumatizing for me. That is in no way an exaggeration, as terrible as that is to say. It was made very clear to me that I was part of my dad's "other family" and I should know my place in that. The fact that I bear his name has no weight in this matter. My dad had a daughter and 2 sons before he met my mom. He divorced their mother, and later got together with my mom. It so happened that my dad was a lot older than my mom, and his daughter was near my mom's age. I'm not here to judge, but it does make my life difficult. Technically, I have a niece older than I am, and a niece and nephew who are still in high school. My "brothers" and "sister" are early 50s and older. Despite their age, though, they are not the mature adults you'd expect. They have kids my age, but still treated my brother and I like garbage at our father's funeral. I think that's why I still haven't mourned him the way I should have by now. Ugh it's such a long story. So complicated. I wish I could say one part of my family was normal, but really none of it is. :( Anyway, to shorten this story, I went into foster care when I was 3, and my dad had to give up parental rights or risk jail time. The reason isn't important, just the facts. As a result, there were a lot of complicated incidents, and I wasn't really able to build a relationship with my dad until I was about 16. This was a man I idolized, because every other man in my life was a complete sack of crap, and technically he had never let me down, though that's probably only because he wasn't really in my life. But from 16 on, I was always very excited to build my relationship with him. Communications were few and far between, and visits were even more distant, but this was my dad, and in my mind, he was on the highest pedestal I had. When I was a freshman in college, and found out he had cancer I was devastated. I got scared of losing him, and as a result, I brought even more distance between us. I didn't want to allow myself to get too close anymore because I was afraid of losing him. It happened the summer after junior year, and I think I've thought more about him since than ever before. I regret that. I miss him, and I wish I had more memories with him. I have a handful of pictures, and a handful of visits and conversations to treasure for the rest of my life. Meanwhile, my "brother" constantly puts up pictures of him and my dad from back in the day, or his daughter and my dad, and it just makes me so sad. Of course he should see his granddaughter, but whenever I look at pictures of my dad and her it breaks my heart, because those should've been pictures of me and him. To be clear, he was in his 50s when I was born, so there aren't too many years between me and his granddaughter. I see pictures of them when she was 4 or 5, with him teaching her how to swim, or having fun on the beach, and my mind just goes to the fact that at that time, I was about 7, and didn't have any idea who my dad was. Meanwhile he was out there, raising his granddaughter and it breaks my heart. I don't think I've ever admitted all of this to myself until now. That's what late night brainstreaming does I suppose. I'm not proud of my feelings, and I know I shouldn't feel so jealous of the life I missed out on, but I can't be strong all the time. This is my time to feel weak, and admit those ugly feelings. I know it was out of his control, because he really wasn't even supposed to see me until I was 18, so I got lucky when I stated talking to him every so often at 16, but it doesn't mean I'm happy about it. I guess sometimes I wish life would've given me a break. But then I think about how lucky and fortunate I've been since I moved to Vermont, and how good my life is now, and I have to admit, maybe karma does come around. Granted life could be better, I wish I was more financially stable, but all things in time.

I don't know what else to say. When I started this, I had so many more things on my mind, but releasing that makes everything else feel insignificant right now, so maybe I'll be able to get to sleep tonight after all. :)

Just as a reminder to myself, other things I wanted to talk about were my relationships with friends here, my relationships, or lack thereof, with friends from home, current family issues, and other "mental" issues....
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(no subject) [Jun. 16th, 2009|02:04 pm]
I had a good weekend. Much needed break from Vermont, that's for sure. I LOVED seeing all the buildings and streets and billboards and dirtiness. lol. I will always always be a city kid no matter where I'm living or what I'm doing.

I was happy that I got to hang out with Christina, Chanda, and Lisa on Friday. I missed them, so it was good to just catch up and hang out face to face for a while. :)

On Saturday, it felt really good getting into Boston. I saw soo many people heading to Pride on the Lowell train. I didnt know any of them but it was still cool to know that we had something in common and were going to do the same thing. Pride really was a great time. The day was gorgeous: nice temp, bright sun. I got an awesome tan, and met a lot of amazing people. Random people wanted to take pics of my friends and I b/c Suazo was wearing a hilarious sign from her belt that said "I wanna ride your rainbow" so people wanted group pics of us and that sign. I thought it was funny. It was the first Pride for all four of us, which was exciting. I got a few decent pictures from my phone. We were looking for something to do at night, after we got a rest from the sun for a few hours and some food in our tummies (prices were too ridiculous to buy food at pride). I was on a mission, calling every club in the area, and they were all 21+! I was so bummed. What's the point of being over 18 if you STILL cant do anything? There was a femme night at a bar that we all really wanted to go to, but alas, there was nothing we could do about the rules. Instead, we stayed in at Suazo's, I had fun with a 3 month old baby boy (Suazo's nephew) and we watched a movie, and just talked for hours.

Zach called me during the movie, and I talked to him for 45 minutes, b/c he had a date the next day in NYC, and was incredibly nervous. It was so cute. I had to tell him what to wear from the shirt to the belt to the socks to the cologne - everything! While we were talking, I came up with this theory about how all girls want a gay man in their life, b/c theyre always full of advice on life, fashion, and boys. lol. So I told him those magic powers weren't allowed to be used on him b/c that just wouldn't be fair, so when he needs advice, I have to be his "gay man." I thought it was funny, and he calmed down enough to yell at me about making jokes while he was so nervous. hahaha. On Monday, we talked again, and as it turns out, his date was a success, and the boy he's been talking to for months is now his official boyfriend. Zach is such a nice dude, I'm so happy for him. He's def one of my favorite boys.

On Sunday, I spent the day with my sister Nikki, her best friend Michelle, and Michelle's four year old daughter Rayanna. I had an amazing time, b/c I missed my sis like crazy, and that little girl is always so great to be with. I havent seen her for 6 months, but as soon as she saw me, she tried wriggling out of her car seat, yelling Allllyyyyy. It totally made my day that she remembered me. My sis and Michelle caught up while we went out to lunch and hung out at Michelle's house, then Nikki's dad's house, and I just had a blast entertaining Rayanna. We played hide and seek, and tag, and I helped her build towers and houses with her dominoes. She's such a cutie. By Sunday, I was getting tired, but she just kept wanting to play cuz she hasnt seen me in so long, that I was more than happy to oblige. haha. Michelle and Rayanna went back to Michelle's house around 8:30 to put Rayanna to bed, and thats when me and my sis chatted about everything under the sun that's been going on. I'm so proud of her, and the fact that she's done a year of AA and completely turned her life around. Like seriously, I've never been more happy for her. :)

I woke up early Monday to go see a few of my high school teachers before I had to leave. I caught up with Daley for a few mins, then O'Neil saw me and kidnapped me to her room. lol. We talked for about 40 mins. It was great. I miss her so much, she's as crazy as ever and I love it! We'll def keep in touch for a while, it seems. I hope so. Then I went to see Ms.G for a little while. That was funny. Her sarcasm hasn't dulled down at all, and from what she's telling me, her baby daughter is exactly the same as her. haha. She's 19 months now, and Ms. G showed me a pic, she's just getting cuter. :) After that, I left the high school and spent a few hours visiting my mom while she took care of some errands. She had to get an ID, and do other such things. After like 2-3 hours, it was time for me and Mark to head to Boston so I could catch my 2 pm bus back to Vermont.

On the trip home, I had a lot of time to think about everything. It's hit me now that Lowell really doesn't seem to be my home anymore. Vermont's definitely not either, but I noticed that this last trip made me realize that Lowell simply isnt home anymore. Now it's the place to visit my friends and family, but it's not the place I belong. The city itself is, but.. I dont know. I'm not sure how to say it. I was mentioning this to Nicole this morning, and she got it, b/c she's been there before. She said that the trip home when you realize it's no longer your home is never a good one, but I disagreed on that part. I had a great weekend back, and somehow this revelation was okay with me. I was upset for a little while, but the more I think about it, the more okay with it I am. I feel like I'm growing up more, defintely. And in knowing that my hometown is no longer my home, I am realizing that I'm on some unwrittenpath right now. Completely free, completely decided by me, completely unknown. I won't be seeing the end of this road until I'm ready to settle, and find a place to call home, which will be a looong way away. But for now, I'm kind of just free-floating, going where my life takes me, and that thought gives me a little bit of serenity, even though it's also just a little bit scary. I never thought I would come to this point in my life so early, but it's here and I'm okay with it. :)
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(no subject) [Nov. 20th, 2008|04:33 pm]
Work Schedule over vaca:

Friday: home around 5:15
Saturday: free
Sunday: 8:00 am - 4:30 pm
Monday: 11:00 am - 7:00 pm
Tuesday: 11:00 am - 7:00 pm
Wednesday: 11:00 am - 7:00 pm
Thursday: Thanksgiving (will be spending day with the fam until around 7-ish I'd say)
Friday: 6:00 am - 1:30 pm
Saturday: going out with Suazo, Jackie, and Amber to a club in Boston at night (meaning busy after about 5)
Sunday: free, until whenever meghan's mom picks me up (not sure when yet)

So that is my schedule. If you want to hang out, let's do something in between all that. lol. I am determined to spend quality time with friends, so I plan on basically going nonstop all vaca. I cant wait! haha.

Note to self: on monday, visit o'neil and gonzalez in the early morning, then get my mass ID from the RMV, and be done in time for work at 11. hopefully this gets done. :)
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(no subject) [Nov. 8th, 2008|02:01 am]
[music |taylor swift- our song]

You fit in with:

40% spiritual.
60% reason-oriented.

Your ideals are mostly spiritual, but in an individualistic way. While spirituality is very important in your life, organized religion itself may not be for you. It is best for you to seek these things on your own terms.

Take This Quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

Sounds right to me. :) I havent taken any quizzes in a long while, but I liked that one, so I figured I'd put it up.
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