||[Aug. 1st, 2013|01:33 am]
God, I don't know what it is about late nights. My mind just slips backwards a few years, and I end up thinking about life, and what I was doing when. Tonight, it's slipped all the way back to high school, and when I used to be on LJ 12 times a day. Now, it's been years since my last post, and I don't think anyone I knew on here even uses this anymore either. If you're out there, let me know - I'd love to reconnect on here. :)|
Regardless of who's out there, my little journal here needs some use. It's 1 in the morning, and my brain has gone haywire again. First, a quick life update. I've been a college graduate for just over a year now. I'm working about 30 hours a week at the same pizza place I've been working at for at least the last 4 years. That will be closing soon, though, and I have a better job already! :) The rape crisis center I've been volunteering at for 4 years offered me a job! It won't be full time for another few months but that's fine. It will happen eventually. For now, I work about 20 hours there, and am in the process of training 4 volunteers. They put a lot of responsibility on me, but I guess it's okay, because I have been volunteering there for so long. There's a lot of new stuff though, and I worry sometimes that I'm not doing it all as well as I should, but I'm doing my best with the training I've received and hopefully it just stays smooth sailing. We have people from DC coming to visit in about 2 weeks, and my boss is asking me if we're going to be ready for those kinds of visitors. To be honest, I'm ready to shit my pants I'm so nervous, but I just put on a confident face, take a deep breath, and tell her I think we'll be fine. Fingers crossed. I do love my job though. I'm so fortunate to have a job doing what I love right out of college. Victims' advocate isn't my end career goal, but it's definitely in the right field. At some point in my life, I want to be a case worker for social services, checking on the welfare of children. But that day will come.
In the meantime, I'm nervous about where my life is. I'm worried that by already landing a job, I've given up my opportunity for all my other life dreams. I want to see the world more. I want to join the PeaceCorps. I want to live with nothing but a backpack all over the world. I want to change the world, and I can't do that until the world has changed me. I know it's a silly dream, but it's my dream. I'm afraid I'll never do that now that I've entered the "real world." We'll see. Besides the job hindrance, there's the relationship hindrance. I didn't leave Vermont after graduation because I was afraid to lose what I had, even though I wasn't completely certain of which relationships I was more afraid of losing. I sacrificed grad school 20 mins away from Lowell, in a program that would've made me qualified for any of my dream jobs (MSW), all because I was afraid to let go. I didn't have that fear when I left Mass for Vermont, so I wonder why I had that fear when the opposite opportunity came up.
On the same note, there's Jackie. I can see myself spending the rest of my life with her, but I could also see living my life completely happy without her in it. I feel like that's a bad thing. I do love her, but there are so many reservations I have about her, and about our relationship. She still lives in Connecticut with her parents. Our plan for years was that she would stay in Vermont after graduation, and we would start our lives together. But our big break up happened a while before graduation, and while things had improved by then, it wasn't at the right point that we'd continue living together. She also added that she couldn't find a job in Vermont, but it's taken her until about a month ago to find a job in Connecticut, so I don't know about that argument. But anyway. I enjoy the situation as it is now- we see each other about once a month for 2-3 days, and we wholly enjoy each other's company. We're focused on each other, and the days are filled with romance, love, and fun. It's great. And then the rest of the time, we're free to do our own thing, have our own social lives, and keep daily phone communication. It's really the perfect situation, and I don't know what will happen once we're both in the same state, under the same roof. Closeness is usually our downfall, because the little things build up into big things that start fights and frustrations. But honestly, there's no reason to worry about that now, because it's literally going to be years until we're finally together again. One of us has to be willing to leave the job we just got, and that won't do anyone any benefit unless we stay there awhile. Blah.
That's life, but that's not all that's on my mind tonight. This is some of the stuff that is though: While I've been training volunteers at the shelter, there's one volunteer that strikes a chord with me and I don't know what to do about it. She reminds me of myself a few years ago, and at that time I was held back from being very active on the hotline or as an advocate. She told us that she experienced abuse, and it hasn't been that long, so I'm not sure if she's in the right space emotionally and mentally to work for us, but I don't feel right making that decision because everyone's different. With all the abuse I survived, I feel like it's only made me a stronger, more compassionate person, so maybe I should give her a chance now. But beyond that, it scares me the way I see myself in her. It just brings me back to when I was living through all that, and it really makes me wonder how no one ever asked if I was okay, or what was going on, or even just confronted me and asked me straight out. It's almost disappointing. I feel like a completely different person now, and it's a little sad to me, because it makes me wonder how my life would be now if any of that had happened. If an adult reached out to that 4 year old me, 9 year old me, 12 year old me, 14 year old me, or even 17 year old me, where would my life be now? Or anyone's in my former family? But the what if's never get answered, and you live the life you've got, so I can't linger on that. I just let it enter my mind in the later hours of the night, and then let it go. It's the only way to survive at some point.
This post is just jumping all over the place, just like my mind. Oh well. The other thing that never leaves my brain is my dad. His funeral was literally traumatizing for me. That is in no way an exaggeration, as terrible as that is to say. It was made very clear to me that I was part of my dad's "other family" and I should know my place in that. The fact that I bear his name has no weight in this matter. My dad had a daughter and 2 sons before he met my mom. He divorced their mother, and later got together with my mom. It so happened that my dad was a lot older than my mom, and his daughter was near my mom's age. I'm not here to judge, but it does make my life difficult. Technically, I have a niece older than I am, and a niece and nephew who are still in high school. My "brothers" and "sister" are early 50s and older. Despite their age, though, they are not the mature adults you'd expect. They have kids my age, but still treated my brother and I like garbage at our father's funeral. I think that's why I still haven't mourned him the way I should have by now. Ugh it's such a long story. So complicated. I wish I could say one part of my family was normal, but really none of it is. :( Anyway, to shorten this story, I went into foster care when I was 3, and my dad had to give up parental rights or risk jail time. The reason isn't important, just the facts. As a result, there were a lot of complicated incidents, and I wasn't really able to build a relationship with my dad until I was about 16. This was a man I idolized, because every other man in my life was a complete sack of crap, and technically he had never let me down, though that's probably only because he wasn't really in my life. But from 16 on, I was always very excited to build my relationship with him. Communications were few and far between, and visits were even more distant, but this was my dad, and in my mind, he was on the highest pedestal I had. When I was a freshman in college, and found out he had cancer I was devastated. I got scared of losing him, and as a result, I brought even more distance between us. I didn't want to allow myself to get too close anymore because I was afraid of losing him. It happened the summer after junior year, and I think I've thought more about him since than ever before. I regret that. I miss him, and I wish I had more memories with him. I have a handful of pictures, and a handful of visits and conversations to treasure for the rest of my life. Meanwhile, my "brother" constantly puts up pictures of him and my dad from back in the day, or his daughter and my dad, and it just makes me so sad. Of course he should see his granddaughter, but whenever I look at pictures of my dad and her it breaks my heart, because those should've been pictures of me and him. To be clear, he was in his 50s when I was born, so there aren't too many years between me and his granddaughter. I see pictures of them when she was 4 or 5, with him teaching her how to swim, or having fun on the beach, and my mind just goes to the fact that at that time, I was about 7, and didn't have any idea who my dad was. Meanwhile he was out there, raising his granddaughter and it breaks my heart. I don't think I've ever admitted all of this to myself until now. That's what late night brainstreaming does I suppose. I'm not proud of my feelings, and I know I shouldn't feel so jealous of the life I missed out on, but I can't be strong all the time. This is my time to feel weak, and admit those ugly feelings. I know it was out of his control, because he really wasn't even supposed to see me until I was 18, so I got lucky when I stated talking to him every so often at 16, but it doesn't mean I'm happy about it. I guess sometimes I wish life would've given me a break. But then I think about how lucky and fortunate I've been since I moved to Vermont, and how good my life is now, and I have to admit, maybe karma does come around. Granted life could be better, I wish I was more financially stable, but all things in time.
I don't know what else to say. When I started this, I had so many more things on my mind, but releasing that makes everything else feel insignificant right now, so maybe I'll be able to get to sleep tonight after all. :)
Just as a reminder to myself, other things I wanted to talk about were my relationships with friends here, my relationships, or lack thereof, with friends from home, current family issues, and other "mental" issues....